Friday, 22 October 2010

Your first sweet kiss, thrilled me so

Its great being a bloke.

Let's face it, despite the Queen and Maggie Thatcher and all those misogynistic bleatings from blokes with penis' smaller than a Silk Cut, it is a Man's World and us blokes have all the great bits of it.

God is clearly also a bloke because He, created procreation and us blokes get the Conception (Even the practice runs are great fun) which is bloody brilliant and then we get to be there at the birth and see the little critturs emerging after 9 months, nine months in which the poor bloody woman has to go through all those changes (Including ever expanding boobs - another great thing for blokes) and feeling like they look like the Goodyear Blimp with bad hair and then culminating in the most undignified event ever with loads of shouting and screaming whilst the dishiest Doctor in the world is looking at a fanny the size of an infant's shoulders!!  The bloke then gets to smoke a cigar and get the congratulations whilst the lady gets stitched up (Familiar theme??) and then allowed to sleep between feeds if she can.

Wimmin also have the monthlies when they are not pregnant which turns your average dream Goddess of Amour into Hecate crossed with Medusa, snakes for hair and the temper of  a Chelsea Shed member on Steroids.  During that week each month a sensible bloke has another bolt-hole prepared where he will be fed, made welcome and loved - his Mum's place!  She is too old for the Monthlies and anyway loves her little boy too much.

Whereas God (remember Him and his favouritism?) He who gave the Wimmin their Monthlies, gave his favoured children Shaving each day as his gift at Puberty.

Shaving, especially wet shaving, with a brand new blade, is one of God's greatest gifts and times of pleasure each day. Taking a rough, sandpaper bristly face and with the application of some soap and water and a deftly turned razor turning it into a smooth silky "touch-me!" zone that is just awaiting some after-shave to make it simply irresistible!  The time too is just enough for the average bloke to not only reinforce his ideas that he is Adonis brought to life but also to have his "Premier Thought" of the day.  This Premier Thought is normally about shagging which is also God's gift to a bloke so he starts the day a happy and contented soul who radiates peace love and harmony to the Universe and whose only want is a well cooked FEB * by "her indoors".

This is where God needs to go back to the drawing board as for at least one week in four he will descend to a scene from Dante's Inferno and for the other three weeks he will be in the dog-house over imagined slights and wrongs during that week.

So, good plan about all the good bits for blokes God, especially the first sweet kiss of a new razor blade on an unshaven cheek, but marks deducted for bad planning on the Wimmin's front.

As my old teacher used to put it "5/10 Must do better!!"

Ghenghis 2010


*Full English breakfast

1 comment: