Friday, 8 October 2010

Cunning Linguistics

Or, a users guide to licking pussy.

A number of countries apparently have men who are brought up to think that it is wrong to go down on a lady or somehow an effeminate act; however those same blokes think a blow job is their right. Fortunately for the ladies in the UK, most blokes have been brought up better and are happy to “dine at the Y” as our Merkin cousins would elegantly phrase it.
The problem is, apparently, that some blokes are not as good at this activity as they think they are and also do not realise that screwing up RO (Reverse Oral) is as bad for a lady as her screwing up the blow job you so dearly wanted up to that point.
Therefore, a few meagre thoughts and ramblings on how the Golden-Tongued Horde (Shortened by historians to the Golden Horde) would go about drinking from the furry cup.
First the DONTS:


· Slobber all over her

· Spit on the clit or anywhere else (Yes it looks like all the porn stars do it but most girls don’t like it!)

· Treat it as an ice-cream

· Try to clean it or remove layers of skin

· Be lazy (If you want to do it then show some appreciation and enthusiasm)

· Bite!!! (What are you? Hannibal the cannibal or what? Freak!)

· Be over enthusiastic!! All it does it confuses or at worst hurts or numbs

· Just go straight ahead and rim or stick your tongue up her bum without “asking”

· Use your finger without “asking”

· Come in unshaven and rasp her all the time with the bristles – it ain’t sexy!.

So, now down to it (Pun intended).


· Start off clean and nicely smelling yourself (Especially having ensured your breath is clean)

· Be clean shaven and with clean hair (If you do it right, she will be clutching it soon!) have a "soul stripe" which I refer to as velcro for pussies and it keeps me stuck in place for about an hour or so and have had no complaints about that or my moustache.

· Start elsewhere (A tour of the nipples and aureoles is a good start followed by a slow glide via the navel)

· Once “on site” a slow teasing build up works well and relaxes everyone

· If there are labia of any sort a stroking between finger and thumb downwards is always welcome

· Start with slow tentative but firm strokes

· Use empathy and watch/listen for feedback both verbal and no verbal as every lady is different and they all have different things they like

· Learn at least three alphabets (Roman, Greek and Arabic normally are good ones) and softly trace the letters as you gently lick

· Breathing through the ears? You really need to learn how to breathe as sometimes the lass cannot help cutting off your air supply so keep those nostrils open unless they are inside the pussy.

· Middle finger of your "working hand" should have virtually no nail and be freshly emery boarded down. To a smooth finish as tested by your tongue. Ladies like to know that you are not about to cut up their vitals with a hang-nail or worse

· At the appropriate time insert the clean and well manicured middle finger and locate the “G” spot

· Take it slow, and if you think it is slow, slow down. Rome was not built in a day and a G spot multiple orgasm takes building up to, it isn't like boiling an egg.

· Whilst laving, vary it and react to her signals, no woman reacts the same, no pussy is the same.

· If possible use one hand to gently caress a nipple (Pref hers although you might find that a turn on too!). However if you cannot pat your stomach and rub your head at the same time maybe you need to skip that step until you have mastered the rest.

· Make a “come here” motion gently but firmly to “milk” the “G” spot carrying on the slow alphabets and again be extremely vigilant to her signals

· Slowly press down with the other hand gently on her pubic area just on the other side from your finger (You may need to gently move her hand in order to do this as she might be ahead of you at this point)

· As she orgasms, keep going as this should result in multiple orgasms and (If she is a squirter) squirting. Whatever happens once she starts multiple orgasms or squirting, do not stop until the party is over, you may need to slow down or vary the pace but once the horse is bucking, stay on for the ride. You will know when she has had enough but it will be a damned site longer than a clitoral orgasm would take to get to the "FFS no more!" stage.

· If you start finishing and she wants more, then you started so you need to bloody well finish, a job half done is not worth doing. BUT, only if she signals that this is what she wants. Carrying on after that point is reached is as painful for her as someone tugging relentlessly on your cock after you have cum, unwelcome and probably painful

· Once she has cum (Or multipled or squirted), give her a cuddle and a gentle snog so she can have a rest before returning the favour.

· If there is a wet wipe present, use it on your mouth area before kissing her in case she does not fancy her cum being snowballed back.

· Some ladies prefer not to have the cuddle but instead just whip on the condom for a hard fuck conclusion, just remember all ladies are different and go with the flow.

Finally, as in all cases, it is definitely a case of “Different strokes for different folks” and YMMV, if so, at least you know the basics.

Having said all that, I am sure someone else will shoot it all down in flames but so far I am almost a pensioner and have cobwebs across the door of my complaints department.

Ghenghis 2010-10-08


  1. See now I fail to understand why you didn't put a sticky thread on Pnet for this along with your list of abbreviations.

    This should be published and distributed in PHSE classes in secondary schools.

    Knowledge is power, start 'em off as you mean to go on x

  2. Excellent, but also the following "How to eat pussy" porn clip should be essential viewing for us chaps - it certainly taught me how to up my game