Thursday, 27 January 2011

The ENGLISH Language

Today I was looking at Twitter as is my wont and someone had tweeted "My Mom's side is all from Dublin, Ireland, all my cousins live there"  and it suddenly made me see red a little.

You see it made me remember all the times that some idiot, in order not to confuse bigger idiots with a total lack of geography skills and an arrogance of language and geography had to write the country after the city.

Paris, France; London, England; Dublin, Ireland; Berlin, Germany etc.

FFS, don't they realise that the only people who DON'T know which country these cities are in are Americans? For the rest of the world, putting the country down is irrelevant UNLESS you are referring to somewhere insignificant for example Paris, Texas and then, and only then, you will make the distinction for clarity.

This arrogance is also displayed in other ways like the fact that despite the Computer and the Internet being British inventions, all software asking us if we want to use "American English" which apart from being oxymoronic is also a joke because Americans also spell most English words wrongly if they can manage it: E.g., Colour, Mum, Programme etc., or just use the right word in the wrong meaning.

When I hear two American senior ladies discussing the fact that they once "rubbed fannies with Princess Margaret", they are not talking about high class porn, it's because they do not understand that a "Fanny" is actually a Vagina and not an Arse.  I have to say "Arse" because to an American a "Bum" is not an arse or even a fanny, it is a down and out.  A cigarette is not a "fag", they use that word for homosexual so "to bum a fag" is not to cadge a cigarette, it is to go all Elton John or George Michael to an American.  A  "Fanny Pack" to British ears is interpreted that the Cubs have been over-run with girls rather than an essential aid to an American who cannot get into his pockets.

"Knocking someone up" is not as we Brits lovingly know it, a wake up call from a friend but is instead making a lady pregnant - indeed, I have often "knocked up" an American lady friend but so far never caused her to give birth.

"Buns" are rather nice dough concoctions with raisins and sugar, sometimes covered with icing sugar making them "Sticky Buns", these are acceptable to eat and not as Americans would believe, something you sit on or can be arrested for creating in public.

Sticky Buns UK Style
When a Brit gets "Pissed" this means he has gone down to the pub and over imbibed on alcohol, therefore under no circumstances should someone be driving whilst "pissed" or even trying to walk anywhere. It seems that Americans can be pissed almost any and everywhere. Oh and when we "have pissed all over you" we can do it figuratively or literally but it is not pleasant either way and certainly not physically as this means "urinated".

Going back to "Arses", that is what we SHIT out of, hence even more confusion about American Fannies, and so "my shit" is something that we tend to do in a toilet, we tend to flush it, we do not keep it together and we certainly do not want to mess with our own, let alone "mess with someone else's shit"!!.

Oh, and it is "Arse", not "Ass", an "Ass" is either a smaller version of a horse used for haulage or an idiot as in "Don't be an ass mate!".  Therefore getting your "ass" in gear is daft because horses don't have gears, but we do understand to "get our arses in gear!" even though your bum doesn't have gears either.

Confused yet?  So are we, we have to read your crap!

"Cornish Pasties" are a really nice type of meat pie made in Cornwall, England (Just in case there's another bloody Cornwall in Pennsylvania FFS!) and not something that covers the nipples of a pole dancer in Newquay!

Sticky Buns US style
"Spunk", in the UK, is what is spurted out at the point of orgasm by a penis (See sticky buns and fags) and so it is NOT acceptable for a male manager to ask a female employee if she is "full of spunk this morning?".

A penis is not a "pecker", so when we tell you to remain cheerful and say "keep your pecker up!", we do not mean you need to mainline Viagra. Also, the only "peckerheads" we have heard of it Woody and his mates. (Oh and a "Woody", unless you really mean a cartoon bird, is an erection in the UK.).

We have chips which you call "French Fries" unless you are being particularly xenophobic and then you call them "Freedom Fries" and wonder why we all piss ourselves laughing (See Pissed).  The problem is we also have French Fries as well as chips and to a Brit, French Fries are something that McDonalds tries and fails to make as well as the "Belgians" make them (Oh for American readers, Belgium is a country in Europe adjacent to France).  Whilst on that subject, Europeans do not all speak English except with differing accents, all those funny lines on the maps that you use to differentiate American states, Europeans use to differentiate different countries.  Explain that to Dubbya sometime as he does need to know that Austria is a real place in Europe and Australia is the big island in the Pacific that also abuts the Indian or Southern Ocean.

Americans use "Randy" as a first name without embarrassment, they also have Scooby Do's mate called "Shaggy".  In the UK, if you are "Randy" that means you are horny and probably, if male, sporting a "Stiffy" or a "woody" and you want to "Shag" someone.  This is not a reference to using some poor sea bird, akin to a cormorant in some unspeakable act, it refers to "fucking" someone which I think is a term we have no disagreement upon?

Girls playing Rounders
Oh and finally, "Baseball", before your ancestors pissed off to find yourselves in the New World, we played a game on the village green, normally by children called "Rounders", this involves someone throwing a ball at the "Batter" who attempts to hit the ball with his/her clublike "Bat" and if he/she does she runs around the "Bases" of which there are 3 set out in a diamond pattern with "Home" being the final point of the diamond. IF you can run around the whole diamond before being touched with the ball by a fielder or having a "base" in front of you touched with the ball by a fielder, then you get "a run" if not, you are "out".  Indeed a lot of countries children play "rounders" or a variant. Americans apparently call this Baseball, make a lot of fuss about it and even play each other in the grandiose "World Series" which they play against themselves and Canadians!!

Two Allies divided by a common tongue?  No way!

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Rape in Camden - Dr Brooke Magnanti

BelledeJour or rather Dr Brooke Magnanti has done a re-analysis of statistics on rape in Camden that is well worth reading.

She has sent it to al lot of august bodies and in the main it has been totally ignored for what can only assume are politically correct or politically cautious reasons.

As "they" don't seem to want normal sensible voters to read her work in this field, I have devoted this post to a preview of her work and a link to the whole piece.

Please read it, even if you read nothing else in my Blog.

Ghenghis January 2011

The impact of adult entertainment on rape statistics in Camden: a re­analysis
. 19 January 2011 © Brooke Magnanti

The impact of adult entertainment on rape statistics in Camden : a re-analysis. Brooke L Magnanti, PhD.

A 2003 report on the impact of lap-dancing clubs on sexual assault in Camden, London had significant influence on the perception of the contribution of adult entertainment to crime statistics. In spite of mathematical corrections to the statistics in the report, its original conclusions are still widely reported in both academic and mass media. This paper presents a broader analysis of the impact of lap-dancing clubs by calculating accurate rates of incidence, analysing statistics from a longer time period, and comparing the results with crime rates in neighbouring boroughs of London. The rate of rape in Camden is lower than that in comparable boroughs, including ones with no such clubs. The overall trend for London boroughs, while higher than the national average, shows a decrease where national statistics are on the increase

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

We called while you were out....!

A lot of people have been complaining on Twitter recently of waiting in for a delivery or workman only to wait and wait with no result but some time during the day and then to suddenly find a card on the front door mat with "We called today at xxx to yyy but you were out, in order to receive your package please wait 36 hours and then visit our 'local' office which is situated halfway up Ben Nevis and is open between 3 and 4 am every morning for your convenience"
If it is a workman then they give you the telephonic equivalent of 'halfway up Ben Nevis'  or a CTI (Computer Telephony Integration system where you are asked to make a choice from a series of options, none of which involve talking to another live human until you are hopelessly lost in a maze worthy of King Minos and slump sobbing in a corner waiting the sound of hooves and snuffling.
People ask "How is this done?" and "Why?".
Here, like the answer book section of Lenny Henry and his "Magicians" show, we reveal the technique and reasoning.

How do they do it?

Well simple, they use what used to be known in the Gas Board days as the "Feather and Trainer Technique", this is kind of like the "Four Sprung Duck Technique" employed in German Brothels but without the sexual undertones and basically involves the workman slipping on some plimsolls (Cheap Trainers for anyone born after the 70's!) and creeping up your garden path/front steps to your front door, tapping on it with a feather twice and when no answer is heard slipping said card through your door and tip-toeing away and driving off.

Why do they do it?

Ah, yes, the puzzling part, but that's because you are looking at it from a "Customer" perspective or even an "Employer" perspective!!
Now put yourself in the position of a worker who is paid on the basis of x customer calls or deliveries a day and where if a customer call just takes the time driving to it you can do x+y visits.  Therefore either gaining extra bonus for more calls, even abortive ones or for callbacks and of course it is always the customer's fault as they were not in were they??

Of course from time to time nowadays with more and more personal webcams etc it is possible to "prove" that when a person said they called the householder was actually there but who would take "proving" that to any length?

Also, if I wanted to set up a small courier service and cream off jobs from the Post Office pre-privatisation, a good wheeze would be to have a few real delivery vans full of parcels trolling round the inner city close to each other addresses and just a motorbike guy with a list and some "Whilst you were out...." cards zipping around the more rural addresses just delivering those quietly so the end customer gets the pleasure of going halfway up Ben Nevis to collect his Kindle 3G or Wii Game.  Save on vans, people and fuel and get the people to collect from the depot.  All the while charging the full posting and packaging.

So, the next time you have one of these "We called while you were out...." cards through your door and you know full well you were in waiting all the time, check with your neighbours friends and work colleagues as to who else this has happened to and see if you can spot a trend.  Then complain to the supplier/utilty.

Ghenghis 2011

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Land of Hope & Glory?

Lets get this party started!

For decades now us English have had to put up with the fact that the sheep shaggers, sweaties and caravan club have all got their own anthems which they sing lustily at any and all occasions, in fact the Caravan Club have too many feckn anthems altogether and once "in ale" they can be guaranteed to break into a few ad hoc verses of Fields of Athenry at the drop of a shillelagh.  However, all these erstwhile comrades of the Brit Club (Well apart from those caravanners South of the Border that is) can be guaranteed to boo the bejasus out of the English National Anthem which is also the United Kingdom's National Anthem, i.e., God Save the Queen.

Clearly the English are more than happy to sing "God Save the Queen" lustily on any and all occasions when it is a British occasion or where a theatre programme has just finished or indeed before a cinema performance starts (Those were the days!!  Back off Brussels!) but it is bloody stupid when about to play a Rugby  Match or similar between member countries of the UK.

These other countries have their own anthems so why not England?

Wot?  No Anthem??

Let's face it, we have plenty of good choons to choose from including Land of Hope and Glory, Jerusalem etc or we could go all modern and have "Vindaloo" or even as Billy Connolly suggested the theme tune from "The Archers"; Whatever we have it has to be better than God Save the Queen because it allows all the other constituent countries to give true vent to their feelings and boo the Queen rather than joining in with us English.

I am sick to the teeth of hearing our British National Anthem booed, not by "johnny foreigner" who is allowed to because we boo his too, but by our ain folk!

What we need is our own truly English Anthem that reflects our national pride and which can be listened to in respectful silence by opposing fans as we would respect theirs.

You know this makes sense and it will have the added side benefit that by divorcing "God Save the Queen " from the English National side, all the bogtrotters might come to respect Her Majesty and her choon!

So, lets start today a campaign for an English National Anthem, lets do what we do well, form a committee, ask for input from the community and then have a referendum, but lets try and do all of this within a twelvemonth and let's have a new National Anthem for England by 2012!!

Ghenghis January 2011

Friday, 7 January 2011

Is it really that simple?

Shappi Khorsandi
Since catching  Shappi Khorsandi a while back doing standup, I have found and followed her on Twitter and bought her book "A beginners guide to acting English" which I fully recommend.  In one of her tweets today she quoted an article in Ahram Online - English Language Edition which was headlined Egypt Muslims to act as "human shields" at Coptic Christmas Eve Mass.

The article, which I am repeating here verbatim, and trusting that Ahram Online will kindly give retrospective permission for so doing, is as follows:

Coptic Churches around the country expect an influx of Egyptian Muslims to share with the country's Christians their Christmas Eve mass

“Although 2011 started tragically, I feel it will be a year of eagerly anticipated change, where Egyptians will stand against sectarianism and unite as one,” Father Rafaeil Sarwat of the Mar-Mina church told Ahram Online. The Coptic priest was commenting on the now widespread call by Muslim intellectuals and activists upon Egyptian Muslims at large to flock to Coptic churches across the country to attend Coptic Christmas Eve mass, to show solidarity with the nation's Coptic minority, but also to serve as "human shields" against possible attacks by Islamist militants.
Mohamed Abdel Moniem El-Sawy, founder of El-Sawy Culture Wheel was among the promiment Muslim cultural figures who first floated the bold initiative.

“This is it. It is time to change and unite,” asserted journalist Ekram Youssef, another notable sponsor of the intiative, in a telephone interview with Ahram Online. She added that although it is the government’s responsibility to act and find solutions to bring an end to such violations, "it is time for Egyptian citizens to act to revive the true meaning of national unity."
Following last year's Coptic Christmas Eve attack on congregants as they left their church in the Upper Egyptian city of Naga Hamady, Youssef created the crescent and cross logo with the slogan “A nation for all” - that was adopted during the past couple of days by many of Egypt’s 4 million Facebook users as their profile picture.
Mariam Yassin, a 24 year old video editor, will take Thursday off to travel to Alexandria to attend the mass at the Two Saints Church. “I am not going as a representative of any religion. I am supporting all those who died as a result of ignorance.”
Yassin’s friend, Mariam Fekry, was killed along with her mother, sister and aunt in the Two Saints Church attack
“I feel great sympathy for her family’s loss, yet I don’t feel that as a Muslim I should apologize on the behalf of murderers.” Yassin added.

On the other hand, Fatima Mostafa, a 40 year old house wife, will join Copts tomorrow to show that Muslims feel their sorrow. “I want to show the world that Islam is a religion of peace and that such attacks are nothing more than a result of poverty, ignorance and oppression.”

While the reasons they cite for doing so may vary, many Egyptian Muslims are rallying around the idea of acting to protect their fellow citizens.

“I know it might not be safe, yet it’s either we live together, or we die together, we are all Egyptians,” Cherine Mohamed, a 50 year old house wife said.

For Youssef, Egyptians should attend regardless of their faith as “we all have Christians as part of our family. I am a Muslim but I’m sure my great grandfather was a Christian.”

An engineer who wanted to remain anonymous stated that he was looking forward to tomorrow: “I was a Christian and I’m a Muslim now, I want my kids to go to church to realize that both religions are similar; we have one God, and both holy books stress peace and the welfare of the society at large.”

The goodwill has been well received by the Coptic Church, and Coptic priests have been expressing their pleasure  that Muslims intend to join them at tomorrow’s mass. Some churches have already put up banners welcoming Muslims to their celebration of the birth of Jesus.

Some fear the initiative will be thwarted, however. “I’m filled with happiness, I feel it will become a national celebration, yet I fear that police won’t allow Muslims to attend the mass,” Ashraf Rasmy, a Coptic volunteer worker said.

Nevertheless, Muslims and Copts are looking forward to tomorrow evening with all that it might bring. Amani Ramsis, a volunteer worker, remains defiant: “It is an anticipated celebration for all Egyptians, whether we live or die, we will never stop celebrating the birth of Jesus, and no one can bury our joy and unity.”

"In mourning of Egypt's Two Saints Church martyrs", is among a variety of Facebook profile pictures chosen by Egyptian users, both Muslim and Christian.
Now I am sure that you can all recall the shock and horror when a Coptic Christian Christmas Eve service in Egypt was targetted by a terrorist who had clearly been brainwashed into thinking he was carrying out "The Will of God" by committing mass murder. I watched, appalled, and saw the reactions of Copts in Egypt and thought "here we go again", but in this case something amazing appears to be happening. Instead of action breeding reaction, breeding counter reaction, it appears the true Muslims stopped and reacted as their faith actually demands and decided to reach out to the Coptic brethren and refuse to allow terrorists and extremists to divide them and if that is not one of the most amazing things to have happened this Century, let alone the year and decade that are only a few days old, then I am a virgin!

Now, lets take a leap of faith here people, and dream the impossible for a moment.

What if the schisms between Sunnis and Shiites could be healed in similar fashion so that they stop the eternal tit for tat bombings in places like Iran, Iraq, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia?

How about thinking "What if?" the Muslim Community in the UK could join hands with the Jews and Christians and refuse to allow atrocities to be accepted as a cause for celebration when one particular faith has been targetted?

Salman Taseer
Benazir Bhutto
What if, the gentle people of Pakistan could rise up against the supporters of those who killed the Governor of the Punjab, Salman Taseer merely for speaking out against the criminal actions of people like a Mullah who put a bounty on the head of an illiterate Christian woman, Asia Bibi, who was accused by another woman after an argument over sharing water, to have taken the name of Mohammed in vain.  For this "crime" he received 26 bullets from his bodyguard.  He joins other "moderate Martyrs" such as Benazir Bhutto. It is well past time that the moderates took back their country from the extremists.

Now I am not expecting as all to sit around singing Kumbaya or having warm showers together, just a bit of moral outrage that someone can be blown to pieces just because he or she follows their God in a different manner to another and for that moral outrage to be translated into courageous action where the people say "enough is enough" and "not in my name!".

Or is that too simple?  Let's hope not and let's hope that this is the start of something massive.

Ghenghis 2011

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Retiring? Moi?

No-one who knows me thinks I am in any way shy or retiring but that is merely the hard outer carapace that I project in order that no-one can see the loveable cuddly person that I am inside - Inside the other three tough and armoured carapaces that is!

Therefore this post is not about that, nor, to universal jubilation from brothel owners, does it mean that I am contemplating retiring as a Hobbyist in the field of punting.  I have no will at all to do that and as long as the body can take the punishment, the shagging will continue unabated.

No, it is just that after a couple of week away from work and then coming back into the rat race with a depression, recession, VAT increases, Managers getting ever nastier in order to prove to their Boss's how tough they are,  people in charge of the Firm's IT that think they should change your hex passwords once a day, the office bores who tell you in minute detail why fuschia is so different from rose as a colour for a necklace (As if I gave a flying fuck either way) or why their deadbeat of a numpty husband is so feckn important in his job as a crossing patrol man, I just get the urge to take myself to a nearby tower and either "go postal" or feckn jump!

The trouble is neither have an appealing outcome.

Therefore the new Plan, which shall be called "Plan G", is to say "Fuck the lot of you!" at work and retire with the maximum amount of spondulicks possible.

Plan G commences today and expect to hear more of it's outworkings during the year.

Whatever happens this time next year I will have more time and dosh available to do what I want to do rather than what "they" want me to.  I shall punt and Blog to my heart's content.

You have been warned!

Ghenghis 2011

Sunday, 2 January 2011

The Rich get richer??

The loony left are once again banging on about the haves and have nots and offering up ever more ludicrous ways of "levelling the playing field" or "progressive taxation".  ANY and all taxes hit the poorest hardest, it is not rocket science as someone on  £20,000 a year will be worse hit by a price rise on petrol than someone on £200,000, no matter how many cars he owns or what size their engines are.

At the same time the Lib Dems seem NOT to have realised that they have signed up for five years to BE the Government and are seemingly amazed that this means they have to do stuff that is NOT popular.  That does mean that the utopian ideas discussed in lib-Dem strongholds when there was no chance in hell of being elected have to be made fit for purpose in Government.

Whilst this is happening, David Cameron sets his jaw, looks mannish, a real manly man, being of stern stuff and who has learned to play up, play up, and play the game.

A Manly Man
What none of them seem to realise is that the bloody bankers have shafted us big time up the chocolate starfish and no mistake.  Also, despite them having been caught doing that and being bailed out by us, our children and our grand and our great Grandchildren, these bloated hyenas are still whining on about taking their balls and going home if we don't allow them to continue to pay obscene salaries and even more obscene bonus payments.

Well, let's tell these sons of bitches early on in 2011 that the party is over, they have proved that they are incompetent in running banks in anything other than perfect conditions and we now own their fucking balls, shinpads, boots and kit so unless they want to run round naked and homeless they should get in line and wind their fucking necks back in!

It is now 2011, David Cameron, stop posing and start governing.  We need the banks under control, no more stupid privatisations - put new Managers into the Post Office and jack the charges up (Also, put a windfall tax to cover universal service obligations on all of these toryboy competitors who are cherry picking - they can afford it). Then use the increased funds to modernise the current Royal Mail.
Does my jaw look stiff in this?

While you are at it, we DON'T want to be defended by French Aircraft Carriers, the only war the French have ever won since 1066 is the media war to convince the world that all of their people did not just roll over and play dead when the Germans invaded?  French Resistance?  That's as oxymoronic as Military Intelligence.

We do not want our Water owned by the French either, they have a poor track record with water hence having a pole position on bottled water, thats because for centuries they have had "eau non potable" above their taps!

Forget allowing some johnny foreigners to print our banknotes, can you not remember when Hitler tried that??  Keep stuff like that IN the UK.

Oh, and while you buggers are at it, a good idea is to INVEST the money that the average worker is paying into the National Insurance scheme for his or her old age pension, don't use it to pay the current pensioners, that is called a PONZI scheme and is illegal when not done by Governments.  Oh, and if Saint Margaret of Scunthorpe had not used all the shekels she had raised from selling off the Nation's wealth by giving tax cuts to the wealthy then that would have been a good start on the fund.

This is my first rant of 2011 and I am sure it will not be my last!

Ghenghis 2011