Hope I die before I get old!!

When Roger Daltrey bawled out his lyrics to "My Generation" it was in a post Cuban Missile Crisis world and one where the old folk definitely did not understand the younger generation.  Roger is now a multi-millionaire pensioner, did not die before he got old and lives in the lap of luxury, unfortunately most old people have been fucked over royally by the State and this needs addressing and redressing.

Take old people born in the 1920's, between World Wars One and Two, now in their eighties: Most of the men born then will have either fought in the War or provided effort for the WW2 fight, some of them will have been wounded, some captured but all of them "doing their bit" for the UK. They then came back to the "Land fit for heroes" and went through times of austerity during the 50's as the UK tried to recover from a crippling war with massive war debts courtesy of the Americans which only got paid off in the new Millennium.
These men and women raised families, paid their taxes and National Insurance all the time believing that the new National Health Service and Old Age Pension would cater for them when they got sick or old.
These people were frugal and had a saving ethic in the main, during the War they had bought National Bonds and they put their money into National Savings and also into Banks and Building Societies as a safe way of saving for their children so that they could have better lives.  These people actually believed that Governments do not lie and that being prudent and careful was the best way to be to provide for both their futures and their children's futures.

However political winds of change were blowing and all of the Nationalised Industries were being eyed up by fat cats who wanted more cream and so one of their puppets, let's call her MT to keep her anonymous, got elected as Prime Minister and immediately sold off the Gas, Electricity, Water and Telecommunications to the City of London (Mainly foreigners in sharp suits who for some reason are allowed to leach off the UK citizens). At the same time she started trying to dismantle the Welfare State and partially succeeded however in the process managed to carefully conceal all evidence that people had actually contributed for decades to the Welfare State - she also put the propaganda out successfully that using the Welfare State was the province of scoundrels, slackers and ne'er-do-wells and it was NOT for decent people, "Decent people" had Private Medicine and Private Pensions and owned stocks and shares, and were called "Sid".

The next changes were were for all the very best of reasons (The chief amongst them being that if you can privatise Medicine you make an absolute killing) targets and over management were brought in to a very badly managed NHS.  Instead of replacing bad management with good management, three more layers of bad management were added to make the NHS even more top heavy and even worse managed than it was in the 60's.

Added to this mix was a tacit agreement that inter-departmental warfare was not only allowable or acceptable but also to be actively encouraged.

This meant "Silo-Based" Government departments that caused tragedies like "Baby P" to happen undetected and unchecked even though in total the authorities had all the information necessary to save him.

It also brings us back to the point of this Blog today.

So, our Fred, the octagenarian who has fought and bled for his and our country, who has paid his taxes religiously, who has soldiered on for decades without state handouts and even avoiding doctors and hospitals because of his "stiff upper lip" and who have saved as much as he could from his meagre income in order to "leave something for the kids", has a fall, or he gets a urine infection or similar and ends up in our much vaunted NHS Hospital.

Well, I say "ends up" as sometimes even getting one of our privileged class Doctors off his arse and out to visit is a herculean task to say the least of it, however let's assume that this happened on a weekend and so the normal Doctor is on a weekend skiing in Aspen or similar and so Fred gets seen by an on call Locum who is not rich enough to have his own practice and is still keen enough to be a good caring Doctor and so an admission is arranged.

Fred's first day in hospital will be taken up mainly with giving a history. This is his medical history, all of which information is already held in detail and triplicate by the NHS and allegedly on a Computer system that links the entire country. However they still ask for it again, not in order to catch Fred out lying or indeed to find out new knowledge but in reality because although they have all this information, they haven't a clue how or where to access it.  (Maybe if some of the new Managers had been Staff Training Managers??? - Nah, too obvious). The other part of the day will be taken up by being prodded, punctured, weighed, urinanalysed and measured in what they term an "Assessment Unit".  This is a fancy name for a holding area while the hospital "Finds a bed"!!

"Finding a bed" entails a great amount of management and many many phone calls but no-one knows by and between whom (As an aside, when I was taken in to hospital with a heart attack two years ago I was kept in an assessment unit for 8 hours whilst they "tried to find me a bed" - After 6 hours I got bored, rang the hospital on my mobile phone, got put through to the Cardiac Ward and asked them if they had a bed spare for me and found they were expecting me.  I then dressed, picked up my bag and notes, left the assessment unit by tailgating a junior doctor who was going for coffee and too tired to keep an eye out for absconding patients and walked to the Ward myself. I was then undressed, checked, given a cuppa and put in to bed and then after another two hours the ward rang the assessment ward to ask if they had "lost Mr Khan?" ). NB, if you need to "find a bed", look in a fucking Hospital Ward, there are loads of empty ones there all unfilled!

However after this mysterious rite is performed Fred gets a bed (This is normally in a large ward with loads and loads of empty beds and he is tucked up cheek and jowl with a couple of loony old ladies to left and right and three dying old me opposite him in various stages of dementia.
At that point, the first thing the Ward Staff do is SET A RELEASE DATE FOR FRED whether he will be well or not by then.  When challenged on this, the staff's defensive response is that by setting a release date it gives everyone something to aim for.  Indeed it does, because come hell or high water and including if Fred is half dead on that date, the NHS want him out of "their" hospital and into the community.
The rest of Fred's stay in hospital will be punctuated by a great many tests to chart his progress or lack of it, some visits by Doctors and Registrars but very little care to see that Fred is actually eating the food that is delivered with clockwork regularity by very lowly paid workers with no healthcare training and who take away uneaten meals and dispose of them without too much comment.

After Fred has been in hospital for two or three days and providing no major surgery is scheduled the NHS will do their level best to bully Fred into agreeing to either going home or somewhere other than an NHS facility.  If he is in need of care that will probably involve the Social Services.  However IF the Social Services can either prove Fred does not need care or that his care needs are very high, then they can either not pick up the tab because he does not need it or they will not pick up the tab because the NHS needs to do so.

And herein lies the rub.  Two Government Department who, if Fred is ill, will fight each other tooth and nail to shove his care costs on to the other, actually have a vested interest in proving that Fred is actually totally OK and should be released home to the tender mercies of his Fat Cat GP who gets paid for looking after Fred even if he never visits Fred at all.  So Fred is right royally fucked by the system.

Now, let's say Fred develops Dementia due to his untreated infections whilst in hospital and the arguments over getting him out of the hospital.  In that case he will be transferred to a Nursing Home which will cost in the region of £700 per week and if Fred's house and or is savings are worth more that £14,000 yes fourteen thousand - less that a saloon car, the state will not pay all of that.  If they do pay all of that then he will have his State and Occupational Pensions taken and he will be allowed to keep approx £22 per week as "pocket money".  That's not all, if he has any living relatives, the local authorities are instructed to morally blackmail those relatives into "topping up" his care home fees instead of the State on threat of Fred being take out of his "nice" Home and put into a "nasty" Home. (And let's face it, the "nice" ones are pretty bloody horrible unless upmarket private ones).  Maybe instead of bleating on in his upper-class Toff, call me Dave, half-baked way about some form of nebulous "Big Society" that even with his Landed Gentry, Eton and Oxford background and education he cannot articulate so even his peers, let alone lesser folk can understand it, he should hark back to his penultimate predecessor with a similar background and instead espouse "Joined Up Government" (Departments at least) and start considering the fact that people have been paying in to the welfare state for decades with little complaint or demurral and in their time of need they need to be treated with respect, afforded dignity and indeed loved by the Government that inherits their support for all those years.

Fred and his ilk are heroes and the salt of the earth and should NOT be considered or discussed as a burden or a problem.  They have paid all of their dues.

So Fred, when you were listening to Roger Daltry singing "Hope I die before I get old!!", did you ever think that maybe when they asked you to fight a war to save this bloody ungrateful country you should have just told them "Why don't you all FFFFFFFFFade away!!"  ??

Ghenghis 2011

It's an odd life being a punter

Over the years I have had a few funny, strange, odd or even (hopefully) abnormal experiences and have regaled a few to mates and on boards but thought it worth putting down here for posterity and to raise a few wry smiles for my reader and his girlfriend.

Did the earth move for you?

Mid way through a particularly energetic session with a young lady in a brothel in South London the bed suddenly collapsed.  OK, that happens to a lot of folk so no big deal eh?  The problem was that the leg of the bed had not collapsed but instead penetrated a mouldy floorboard and having gone through that, propelled by our combined weight had then penetrated the ceiling below and brought a light fitting down in the Kebab shop underneath!!  Red faces all round and some explaining to do for the Maid as we were still starkers when the door went!

Sticky Condom Syndrome
Down in Berkshire with a lovely Indie, we had got through a couple of condoms without a result and finally filled a third.  Trouble was, in the dressing and clear up we could only locate two.  After a cuppa and a chat whilst relaxing afterwards I left, walked 300 yards to my car, drove home 45 miles and when home went to the loo etc.

A couple of hours later my wife walked in and shortly after that said to me "Any reason why there is a condom on our cloakroom carpet?".  A real OMG moment but thinking fast as well as being totally puzzled I went and looked and took it and flushed it.  I said that I must have trod on it outside the house and walked it in but neither of us could work out why a condom should be on the path outside the house.  I was amazed that it had stuck to my sole as I dressed and then endured the walk back to the car, drive home and walking in to my place.  I now check myself, including soles, before leaving t
a Lady's house.

You've been framed!

A Filipino Lady in Nottingham who is now out of the business, and I had been doing some experimental stuff and role playing etc so one day I booked in and went to the bar of the Lace Market Hotel as arranged at the appointed time where the plan was for her to be waiting in Business Woman Dress/Sexy Secretary including stockings and suspenders but no knickers.  She was then going to flash the blokes in the bar (Which she had never done before) and then apparently pick me up and we would go back to my room for sex.
I arrived and there she was with legs firmly clamped together and so I sat at the bar with a good eyeline and ordered a drink.  After 20 minutes without a flash she got up and joined me at the bar and apologised saying that she had bottled it completely!!  I laughed and said I did not mind and we decided to just have a couple of drinks and go up.  When we got into the lift she said she knew how to apologise and dropped to her knees and started giving me a blow job (Fortunately the lift was relatively slow and we were not accompanied!). After the usual fun and jollity in the bedroom we dressed and I walked her down to the reception and then out to her driver.  As we passed reception the staff there gave me knowing grins.  On the way back in they greeted me with smiles and asked "Mr Khan, we hope you are having a great evening !!"  I signified I was and went to the lift.  Puzzling a little and thinking they just knew her, I glanced up in the lift and saw the security camera........................ *blush* ..................... so I smiled up and waved!

Where's the Fire?

Another brothel in South London and the lady in question and I are totally stark bollock naked and making smiles when there is a knock on the door by the maid who informs us that the Fire Brigade Inspector was at the door and needed to inspect the room!!!!!  I asked if it could wait 45 mins but was told no and that they had to do it now.  So both of us hastily donned drressing gowns, mine was a particularly ravishing pink faux silk one and sat there while the Fireman, complete with boots and fireproof plastic overalls inspected the room and bathroom attached!!    For a few minutes I was sure it was a wind up but then looked out of the window and saw the bloody Fire Engine!  The stuff those guys see in a day's work!!

Where's Noah when you want him?

I was in a London Jury's Inn recently with a particularly scatty but lovely Thai Lady who has since gone back to Thailand due to an abusive boyfriend and we had been having a drink and making smiles for a couple of hours when the lady decided she needed a pee so went off and came back and we resumed.
What I had not realised is that she thought I was nearer to "arriving" than I was in fact and had started a bath running, and so eventually about 30 minutes later when we had both concluded my senses returned and I realised that there was a massive pool of water spreading from the closed bathroom door across the bedroom!  Leaping up I ran into the bathroom and found it totally flooded and a full bath overflowing merrily.
I pulled the plug and turned off the taps and dragged every towel onto the floor to start soaking it up. Still stark naked I was getting on with this with the slightly pissed Thai Lady laughing hysterically I heard an urgent banging on the door with a "Mr Khan, this is hotel management, can you let us in please now!!??".
With the catch on the door I answered, apologised profusely and told them we were both naked, true and that we had dozed off with a bath running (Near enough!) and could we have some more towels and we would quickly dress.  The two ladies agreed and went off to get towels and turning I noticed this young, naked, beautiful 25 year old Thai Lady looking over my shoulder so the hotel staff knew what was going on!!
We eventually dressed, apologised three hundred times more and allowed six hotel staff in to start the clean-up operation including an industrial water vacuum cleaner that sucked it all up.
Going out the whole hallway outside the room was under 1/2" of water and being cleared up and apparently the room below was flooded too!!
To give them their full due, the Jury's Inn people took it in their stride, moved me to a new dry room, moved my luggage, gave me fresh towels and did not laugh at me to my face, nor did they charge me any extra for the clean-up operation.  OK, I was a regular customer but nonetheless I would have paid up if asked if only out of embarrassment!  So top marks for Jury's Inns and one of my Top Shagging Venues!
Check out the following day was interesting and I got chatted up by the deputy Manager(ess) as well so I was extremely happy!

Just a few of the odd tails and I am sure that some people will think they are embroidered a bit but they happened exactly as shown, life can be weird sometimes.

Ghenghis 2011

Ladies or Meat?

Ghenghis' thoughts on the Objectivisation and Commoditisation of women.

Typical Gangsta Vid scene

Last night I was channel hopping in post coital exhaustion after a fantastic couple of hours with a Thai lady in a local brothel and endeavouring to recoup my energy by working my way through a Chinese take-away and found once again that a lot of the music channels were pushing out US DJs, all heavily blinged up and Gangsta with women dancing in the nude or at best lingerie or bikinis, normally with water dripping over them or oil.
These videos are pumped out at all times of the day and night, do not, it appears, have a "watershed" or indeed much censorship.

I then watched a category "15" film which warned me in advance that there would be "Violence, Strong Language and scenes of a sexual nature".

Today I was reading an article in the news showing Sally Bercow, the wife of the Speaker, wrapped in a sheet and although it was not a great shot, it at least only hinted at the nudity but was being pilloried in newspapers that regularly show women nude or semi-nude without a care and a lot of them have a standard topless Page 3 shot which I find almost incredibly Neanderthal in this day and age. How can it be that a man can be fired from a firm for looking at a topless woman on his work PC as it "denigrates women" but be allowed to bring in a paper showing that exact shot and look at it openly in the office without any censure at all?  Society, as I have oft thought, has gone completely barking and the lunatics have definitely taken over the asylum.

I suddenly realised that I was pretty disgusted with how society as a whole portrays women and am not all all surprised that the average hoodies on the sink estates have no respect whatsoever for females, let alone their Mums and herein lies the basis of the rot at the core of the UK.

Now don't get me wrong, I was not riding along on the road to Damascus and a light shone and scales covered my eyes, this was something that I had been noticing if not absorbing over many years and had steadily built up.

I also realise that this point of view coming from a whore monger* such as myself seems at beat naive and at least hypocritical but it is not in my mind, allow me to explain why, also some background.

Despite the current statistics being misleading and based upon over small sampling, it appears from my researches that the average man or woman in the world has under twenty partners in their entire lifetime.

Research is badly affected by the fact that men exaggerate (lie about) their sexual conquests and always claim more scalps than they have actually taken in order to be "a real man" and women tend to underplay their "promiscuity" in order not to be termed a slag or slut.

In my case I have made smiles with several hundred ladies so far and expect to increase that before I die due to the fact that I have never found two ladies or their assets the same and am always immensely surprised and pleased at the variety and availability of the market.  Everyone is an individual.

Therefore it seems weird that someone like me should firstly have a moral compass at all I suppose and even more strange that I think society is as it is.

However, I am not about to go and join the local Mosque, pray several times a day and insist all women should be covered in a Burqha when out in public.  Just that in my opinion, that we need to ease on the brakes here and bring the world our children and grand-children are growing up in to a halt as regards sexuality and start to reverse the trends.

This does NOT mean that grown adults should not be able to see pornography or that said pornography should be banned.  But it does mean that Porn should be difficult to obtain and that once obtained it should be treated like a shotgun and locked away from children.

It also means that newspapers should strip their pages of any and all gratuitous "nudie" pictures unless it can be proved that the publishing of the shot is entirely in the public interest and that the story would be meaningless without it.

It also means that the video nasties that are currently American and Wannabe American Gangsta DJs would be forced to submit their videos to a properly instructed censorship panel.  That same censorship panel would also be told to tighten up their controls and clean up their acts so that CORRECT classifications should be made for films.  Films that are for adult audiences because of explicit sexual scenes should be termed pornographic and labelled as such for the buyers and broadcasters.  Also violent films where for instance someone is being killed explicitly with a chainsaw for example, should be termed pornography.

Although in some cases it would be difficult (Like putting toothpaste back in a tube) it also needs to be applied retrospectively.

When I pay money to sleep with a prostitute, the lady in question has made an informed decision as to how she wants to make money in life and comes to that transaction willingly as do I. In my (paid) time with that lady I treat her with respect and affection despite getting down and doing things that my dear old Mum still thinks are "grounds for divorce" for even thinking about, let alone trying to do.  I get embarrassed seeing Page 3 pictures on the tube even though I am more than happy to examine the minute details of a new breast in person and see no hypocrisy in holding both views concurrently.

All of the Ladies who have slept with me for money have been human beings, not lumps of meat, they have families, in some cases children and brothers and sisters and whenever we sit and chat over a cup of coffee they all seem to feel the same in that they, despite being "scarlet women" and generally despised by the other women in the UK, have a strong moral compass when it comes to what their own children are exposed to.

So, how do we put the Genie back in the lamp here?  Maybe we all need to start tweeting and talking in pubs or at work about how it is time for change and time to allow the children to grow up a bit before being sexualised?  Maybe it is time to complain when a Gangsta Rapper has a video showing women as his sex slaves? Maybe it is time to start regarding ladies as equal participants in the world and not the goods and chattels of men to dispose of how we want?
Let's go and retake the moral highground.

Ghenghis 2011

*whore monger: Punter, a man who pays for the sexual services of prostitutes.

The ENGLISH Language

Today I was looking at Twitter as is my wont and someone had tweeted "My Mom's side is all from Dublin, Ireland, all my cousins live there"  and it suddenly made me see red a little.

You see it made me remember all the times that some idiot, in order not to confuse bigger idiots with a total lack of geography skills and an arrogance of language and geography had to write the country after the city.

Paris, France; London, England; Dublin, Ireland; Berlin, Germany etc.

FFS, don't they realise that the only people who DON'T know which country these cities are in are Americans? For the rest of the world, putting the country down is irrelevant UNLESS you are referring to somewhere insignificant for example Paris, Texas and then, and only then, you will make the distinction for clarity.

This arrogance is also displayed in other ways like the fact that despite the Computer and the Internet being British inventions, all software asking us if we want to use "American English" which apart from being oxymoronic is also a joke because Americans also spell most English words wrongly if they can manage it: E.g., Colour, Mum, Programme etc., or just use the right word in the wrong meaning.

When I hear two American senior ladies discussing the fact that they once "rubbed fannies with Princess Margaret", they are not talking about high class porn, it's because they do not understand that a "Fanny" is actually a Vagina and not an Arse.  I have to say "Arse" because to an American a "Bum" is not an arse or even a fanny, it is a down and out.  A cigarette is not a "fag", they use that word for homosexual so "to bum a fag" is not to cadge a cigarette, it is to go all Elton John or George Michael to an American.  A  "Fanny Pack" to British ears is interpreted that the Cubs have been over-run with girls rather than an essential aid to an American who cannot get into his pockets.

"Knocking someone up" is not as we Brits lovingly know it, a wake up call from a friend but is instead making a lady pregnant - indeed, I have often "knocked up" an American lady friend but so far never caused her to give birth.

"Buns" are rather nice dough concoctions with raisins and sugar, sometimes covered with icing sugar making them "Sticky Buns", these are acceptable to eat and not as Americans would believe, something you sit on or can be arrested for creating in public.

Sticky Buns UK Style

When a Brit gets "Pissed" this means he has gone down to the pub and over imbibed on alcohol, therefore under no circumstances should someone be driving whilst "pissed" or even trying to walk anywhere. It seems that Americans can be pissed almost any and everywhere. Oh and when we "have pissed all over you" we can do it figuratively or literally but it is not pleasant either way and certainly not physically as this means "urinated".

Going back to "Arses", that is what we SHIT out of, hence even more confusion about American Fannies, and so "my shit" is something that we tend to do in a toilet, we tend to flush it, we do not keep it together and we certainly do not want to mess with our own, let alone "mess with someone else's shit"!!.

Oh, and it is "Arse", not "Ass", an "Ass" is either a smaller version of a horse used for haulage or an idiot as in "Don't be an ass mate!".  Therefore getting your "ass" in gear is daft because horses don't have gears, but we do understand to "get our arses in gear!" even though your bum doesn't have gears either.

Confused yet?  So are we, we have to read your crap!

"Cornish Pasties" are a really nice type of meat pie made in Cornwall, England (Just in case there's another bloody Cornwall in Pennsylvania FFS!) and not something that covers the nipples of a pole dancer in Newquay!

Sticky Buns US style

"Spunk", in the UK, is what is spurted out at the point of orgasm by a penis (See sticky buns and fags) and so it is NOT acceptable for a male manager to ask a female employee if she is "full of spunk this morning?".

A penis is not a "pecker", so when we tell you to remain cheerful and say "keep your pecker up!", we do not mean you need to mainline Viagra. Also, the only "peckerheads" we have heard of it Woody and his mates. (Oh and a "Woody", unless you really mean a cartoon bird, is an erection in the UK.).

Belgium

We have chips which you call "French Fries" unless you are being particularly xenophobic and then you call them "Freedom Fries" and wonder why we all piss ourselves laughing (See Pissed).  The problem is we also have French Fries as well as chips and to a Brit, French Fries are something that McDonalds tries and fails to make as well as the "Belgians" make them (Oh for American readers, Belgium is a country in Europe adjacent to France).  Whilst on that subject, Europeans do not all speak English except with differing accents, all those funny lines on the maps that you use to differentiate American states, Europeans use to differentiate different countries.  Explain that to Dubbya sometime as he does need to know that Austria is a real place in Europe and Australia is the big island in the Pacific that also abuts the Indian or Southern Ocean.

Americans use "Randy" as a first name without embarrassment, they also have Scooby Do's mate called "Shaggy".  In the UK, if you are "Randy" that means you are horny and probably, if male, sporting a "Stiffy" or a "woody" and you want to "Shag" someone.  This is not a reference to using some poor sea bird, akin to a cormorant in some unspeakable act, it refers to "fucking" someone which I think is a term we have no disagreement upon?

Girls playing Rounders

Oh and finally, "Baseball", before your ancestors pissed off to find yourselves in the New World, we played a game on the village green, normally by children called "Rounders", this involves someone throwing a ball at the "Batter" who attempts to hit the ball with his/her clublike "Bat" and if he/she does she runs around the "Bases" of which there are 3 set out in a diamond pattern with "Home" being the final point of the diamond. IF you can run around the whole diamond before being touched with the ball by a fielder or having a "base" in front of you touched with the ball by a fielder, then you get "a run" if not, you are "out".  Indeed a lot of countries children play "rounders" or a variant. Americans apparently call this Baseball, make a lot of fuss about it and even play each other in the grandiose "World Series" which they play against themselves and Canadians!!

Two Allies divided by a common tongue?  No way!

Rape in Camden - Dr Brooke Magnanti

BelledeJour or rather Dr Brooke Magnanti has done a re-analysis of statistics on rape in Camden that is well worth reading.

She has sent it to al lot of august bodies and in the main it has been totally ignored for what can only assume are politically correct or politically cautious reasons.

As "they" don't seem to want normal sensible voters to read her work in this field, I have devoted this post to a preview of her work and a link to the whole piece.

Please read it, even if you read nothing else in my Blog.

Ghenghis January 2011

The impact of adult entertainment on rape statistics in Camden: a re­analysis

. 19 January 2011 © Brooke Magnanti  http://belledejour.uk.blogspot.com

The impact of adult entertainment on rape statistics in Camden : a re-analysis. Brooke L Magnanti, PhD.

Abstract

A 2003 report on the impact of lap-dancing clubs on sexual assault in Camden, London had significant influence on the perception of the contribution of adult entertainment to crime statistics. In spite of mathematical corrections to the statistics in the report, its original conclusions are still widely reported in both academic and mass media. This paper presents a broader analysis of the impact of lap-dancing clubs by calculating accurate rates of incidence, analysing statistics from a longer time period, and comparing the results with crime rates in neighbouring boroughs of London. The rate of rape in Camden is lower than that in comparable boroughs, including ones with no such clubs. The overall trend for London boroughs, while higher than the national average, shows a decrease where national statistics are on the increase

We called while you were out....!

A lot of people have been complaining on Twitter recently of waiting in for a delivery or workman only to wait and wait with no result but some time during the day and then to suddenly find a card on the front door mat with "We called today at xxx to yyy but you were out, in order to receive your package please wait 36 hours and then visit our 'local' office which is situated halfway up Ben Nevis and is open between 3 and 4 am every morning for your convenience"
If it is a workman then they give you the telephonic equivalent of 'halfway up Ben Nevis'  or a CTI (Computer Telephony Integration system where you are asked to make a choice from a series of options, none of which involve talking to another live human until you are hopelessly lost in a maze worthy of King Minos and slump sobbing in a corner waiting the sound of hooves and snuffling.
People ask "How is this done?" and "Why?".
Here, like the answer book section of Lenny Henry and his "Magicians" show, we reveal the technique and reasoning.

How do they do it?

Well simple, they use what used to be known in the Gas Board days as the "Feather and Trainer Technique", this is kind of like the "Four Sprung Duck Technique" employed in German Brothels but without the sexual undertones and basically involves the workman slipping on some plimsolls (Cheap Trainers for anyone born after the 70's!) and creeping up your garden path/front steps to your front door, tapping on it with a feather twice and when no answer is heard slipping said card through your door and tip-toeing away and driving off.

Why do they do it?

Ah, yes, the puzzling part, but that's because you are looking at it from a "Customer" perspective or even an "Employer" perspective!!
Now put yourself in the position of a worker who is paid on the basis of x customer calls or deliveries a day and where if a customer call just takes the time driving to it you can do x+y visits.  Therefore either gaining extra bonus for more calls, even abortive ones or for callbacks and of course it is always the customer's fault as they were not in were they??

Of course from time to time nowadays with more and more personal webcams etc it is possible to "prove" that when a person said they called the householder was actually there but who would take "proving" that to any length?

Also, if I wanted to set up a small courier service and cream off jobs from the Post Office pre-privatisation, a good wheeze would be to have a few real delivery vans full of parcels trolling round the inner city close to each other addresses and just a motorbike guy with a list and some "Whilst you were out...." cards zipping around the more rural addresses just delivering those quietly so the end customer gets the pleasure of going halfway up Ben Nevis to collect his Kindle 3G or Wii Game.  Save on vans, people and fuel and get the people to collect from the depot.  All the while charging the full posting and packaging.

So, the next time you have one of these "We called while you were out...." cards through your door and you know full well you were in waiting all the time, check with your neighbours friends and work colleagues as to who else this has happened to and see if you can spot a trend.  Then complain to the supplier/utilty.










Ghenghis 2011

Land of Hope & Glory?

Lets get this party started!

For decades now us English have had to put up with the fact that the sheep shaggers, sweaties and caravan club have all got their own anthems which they sing lustily at any and all occasions, in fact the Caravan Club have too many feckn anthems altogether and once "in ale" they can be guaranteed to break into a few ad hoc verses of Fields of Athenry at the drop of a shillelagh.  However, all these erstwhile comrades of the Brit Club (Well apart from those caravanners South of the Border that is) can be guaranteed to boo the bejasus out of the English National Anthem which is also the United Kingdom's National Anthem, i.e., God Save the Queen.

Clearly the English are more than happy to sing "God Save the Queen" lustily on any and all occasions when it is a British occasion or where a theatre programme has just finished or indeed before a cinema performance starts (Those were the days!!  Back off Brussels!) but it is bloody stupid when about to play a Rugby  Match or similar between member countries of the UK.

These other countries have their own anthems so why not England?

Wot?  No Anthem??

Let's face it, we have plenty of good choons to choose from including Land of Hope and Glory, Jerusalem etc or we could go all modern and have "Vindaloo" or even as Billy Connolly suggested the theme tune from "The Archers"; Whatever we have it has to be better than God Save the Queen because it allows all the other constituent countries to give true vent to their feelings and boo the Queen rather than joining in with us English.

I am sick to the teeth of hearing our British National Anthem booed, not by "johnny foreigner" who is allowed to because we boo his too, but by our ain folk!

What we need is our own truly English Anthem that reflects our national pride and which can be listened to in respectful silence by opposing fans as we would respect theirs.

You know this makes sense and it will have the added side benefit that by divorcing "God Save the Queen " from the English National side, all the bogtrotters might come to respect Her Majesty and her choon!

So, lets start today a campaign for an English National Anthem, lets do what we do well, form a committee, ask for input from the community and then have a referendum, but lets try and do all of this within a twelvemonth and let's have a new National Anthem for England by 2012!!

Ghenghis January 2011

Is it really that simple?

Shappi Khorsandi

Since catching  Shappi Khorsandi a while back doing standup, I have found and followed her on Twitter and bought her book "A beginners guide to acting English" which I fully recommend.  In one of her tweets today she quoted an article in Ahram Online - English Language Edition which was headlined Egypt Muslims to act as "human shields" at Coptic Christmas Eve Mass.


The article, which I am repeating here verbatim, and trusting that Ahram Online will kindly give retrospective permission for so doing, is as follows:

Coptic Churches around the country expect an influx of Egyptian Muslims to share with the country's Christians their Christmas Eve mass

“Although 2011 started tragically, I feel it will be a year of eagerly anticipated change, where Egyptians will stand against sectarianism and unite as one,” Father Rafaeil Sarwat of the Mar-Mina church told Ahram Online. The Coptic priest was commenting on the now widespread call by Muslim intellectuals and activists upon Egyptian Muslims at large to flock to Coptic churches across the country to attend Coptic Christmas Eve mass, to show solidarity with the nation's Coptic minority, but also to serve as "human shields" against possible attacks by Islamist militants.

Mohamed Abdel Moniem El-Sawy, founder of El-Sawy Culture Wheel was among the promiment Muslim cultural figures who first floated the bold initiative.

“This is it. It is time to change and unite,” asserted journalist Ekram Youssef, another notable sponsor of the intiative, in a telephone interview with Ahram Online. She added that although it is the government’s responsibility to act and find solutions to bring an end to such violations, "it is time for Egyptian citizens to act to revive the true meaning of national unity."

Following last year's Coptic Christmas Eve attack on congregants as they left their church in the Upper Egyptian city of Naga Hamady, Youssef created the crescent and cross logo with the slogan “A nation for all” - that was adopted during the past couple of days by many of Egypt’s 4 million Facebook users as their profile picture.
Mariam Yassin, a 24 year old video editor, will take Thursday off to travel to Alexandria to attend the mass at the Two Saints Church. “I am not going as a representative of any religion. I am supporting all those who died as a result of ignorance.”

Yassin’s friend, Mariam Fekry, was killed along with her mother, sister and aunt in the Two Saints Church attack

“I feel great sympathy for her family’s loss, yet I don’t feel that as a Muslim I should apologize on the behalf of murderers.” Yassin added.

On the other hand, Fatima Mostafa, a 40 year old house wife, will join Copts tomorrow to show that Muslims feel their sorrow. “I want to show the world that Islam is a religion of peace and that such attacks are nothing more than a result of poverty, ignorance and oppression.”

While the reasons they cite for doing so may vary, many Egyptian Muslims are rallying around the idea of acting to protect their fellow citizens.

“I know it might not be safe, yet it’s either we live together, or we die together, we are all Egyptians,” Cherine Mohamed, a 50 year old house wife said.

For Youssef, Egyptians should attend regardless of their faith as “we all have Christians as part of our family. I am a Muslim but I’m sure my great grandfather was a Christian.”

An engineer who wanted to remain anonymous stated that he was looking forward to tomorrow: “I was a Christian and I’m a Muslim now, I want my kids to go to church to realize that both religions are similar; we have one God, and both holy books stress peace and the welfare of the society at large.”

The goodwill has been well received by the Coptic Church, and Coptic priests have been expressing their pleasure  that Muslims intend to join them at tomorrow’s mass. Some churches have already put up banners welcoming Muslims to their celebration of the birth of Jesus.

Some fear the initiative will be thwarted, however. “I’m filled with happiness, I feel it will become a national celebration, yet I fear that police won’t allow Muslims to attend the mass,” Ashraf Rasmy, a Coptic volunteer worker said.

Nevertheless, Muslims and Copts are looking forward to tomorrow evening with all that it might bring. Amani Ramsis, a volunteer worker, remains defiant: “It is an anticipated celebration for all Egyptians, whether we live or die, we will never stop celebrating the birth of Jesus, and no one can bury our joy and unity.”  

"In mourning of Egypt's Two Saints Church martyrs", is among a variety of Facebook profile pictures chosen by Egyptian users, both Muslim and Christian.

Now I am sure that you can all recall the shock and horror when a Coptic Christian Christmas Eve service in Egypt was targetted by a terrorist who had clearly been brainwashed into thinking he was carrying out "The Will of God" by committing mass murder. I watched, appalled, and saw the reactions of Copts in Egypt and thought "here we go again", but in this case something amazing appears to be happening. Instead of action breeding reaction, breeding counter reaction, it appears the true Muslims stopped and reacted as their faith actually demands and decided to reach out to the Coptic brethren and refuse to allow terrorists and extremists to divide them and if that is not one of the most amazing things to have happened this Century, let alone the year and decade that are only a few days old, then I am a virgin!

Now, lets take a leap of faith here people, and dream the impossible for a moment.

What if the schisms between Sunnis and Shiites could be healed in similar fashion so that they stop the eternal tit for tat bombings in places like Iran, Iraq, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia?

How about thinking "What if?" the Muslim Community in the UK could join hands with the Jews and Christians and refuse to allow atrocities to be accepted as a cause for celebration when one particular faith has been targetted?

Salman Taseer

Benazir Bhutto

What if, the gentle people of Pakistan could rise up against the supporters of those who killed the Governor of the Punjab, Salman Taseer merely for speaking out against the criminal actions of people like a Mullah who put a bounty on the head of an illiterate Christian woman, Asia Bibi, who was accused by another woman after an argument over sharing water, to have taken the name of Mohammed in vain.  For this "crime" he received 26 bullets from his bodyguard.  He joins other "moderate Martyrs" such as Benazir Bhutto. It is well past time that the moderates took back their country from the extremists.

Now I am not expecting as all to sit around singing Kumbaya or having warm showers together, just a bit of moral outrage that someone can be blown to pieces just because he or she follows their God in a different manner to another and for that moral outrage to be translated into courageous action where the people say "enough is enough" and "not in my name!".

Or is that too simple?  Let's hope not and let's hope that this is the start of something massive.

Ghenghis 2011

Retiring? Moi?

No-one who knows me thinks I am in any way shy or retiring but that is merely the hard outer carapace that I project in order that no-one can see the loveable cuddly person that I am inside - Inside the other three tough and armoured carapaces that is!

Therefore this post is not about that, nor, to universal jubilation from brothel owners, does it mean that I am contemplating retiring as a Hobbyist in the field of punting.  I have no will at all to do that and as long as the body can take the punishment, the shagging will continue unabated.

No, it is just that after a couple of week away from work and then coming back into the rat race with a depression, recession, VAT increases, Managers getting ever nastier in order to prove to their Boss's how tough they are,  people in charge of the Firm's IT that think they should change your hex passwords once a day, the office bores who tell you in minute detail why fuschia is so different from rose as a colour for a necklace (As if I gave a flying fuck either way) or why their deadbeat of a numpty husband is so feckn important in his job as a crossing patrol man, I just get the urge to take myself to a nearby tower and either "go postal" or feckn jump!

The trouble is neither have an appealing outcome.

Therefore the new Plan, which shall be called "Plan G", is to say "Fuck the lot of you!" at work and retire with the maximum amount of spondulicks possible.

Plan G commences today and expect to hear more of it's outworkings during the year.

Whatever happens this time next year I will have more time and dosh available to do what I want to do rather than what "they" want me to.  I shall punt and Blog to my heart's content.

You have been warned!

Ghenghis 2011

The Rich get richer??

The loony left are once again banging on about the haves and have nots and offering up ever more ludicrous ways of "levelling the playing field" or "progressive taxation".  ANY and all taxes hit the poorest hardest, it is not rocket science as someone on  £20,000 a year will be worse hit by a price rise on petrol than someone on £200,000, no matter how many cars he owns or what size their engines are.

At the same time the Lib Dems seem NOT to have realised that they have signed up for five years to BE the Government and are seemingly amazed that this means they have to do stuff that is NOT popular.  That does mean that the utopian ideas discussed in lib-Dem strongholds when there was no chance in hell of being elected have to be made fit for purpose in Government.

Whilst this is happening, David Cameron sets his jaw, looks mannish, a real manly man, being of stern stuff and who has learned to play up, play up, and play the game.

A Manly Man

What none of them seem to realise is that the bloody bankers have shafted us big time up the chocolate starfish and no mistake.  Also, despite them having been caught doing that and being bailed out by us, our children and our grand and our great Grandchildren, these bloated hyenas are still whining on about taking their balls and going home if we don't allow them to continue to pay obscene salaries and even more obscene bonus payments.

Well, let's tell these sons of bitches early on in 2011 that the party is over, they have proved that they are incompetent in running banks in anything other than perfect conditions and we now own their fucking balls, shinpads, boots and kit so unless they want to run round naked and homeless they should get in line and wind their fucking necks back in!

It is now 2011, David Cameron, stop posing and start governing.  We need the banks under control, no more stupid privatisations - put new Managers into the Post Office and jack the charges up (Also, put a windfall tax to cover universal service obligations on all of these toryboy competitors who are cherry picking - they can afford it). Then use the increased funds to modernise the current Royal Mail.

Does my jaw look stiff in this?

While you are at it, we DON'T want to be defended by French Aircraft Carriers, the only war the French have ever won since 1066 is the media war to convince the world that all of their people did not just roll over and play dead when the Germans invaded?  French Resistance?  That's as oxymoronic as Military Intelligence.

We do not want our Water owned by the French either, they have a poor track record with water hence having a pole position on bottled water, thats because for centuries they have had "eau non potable" above their taps!

Forget allowing some johnny foreigners to print our banknotes, can you not remember when Hitler tried that??  Keep stuff like that IN the UK.

Oh, and while you buggers are at it, a good idea is to INVEST the money that the average worker is paying into the National Insurance scheme for his or her old age pension, don't use it to pay the current pensioners, that is called a PONZI scheme and is illegal when not done by Governments.  Oh, and if Saint Margaret of Scunthorpe had not used all the shekels she had raised from selling off the Nation's wealth by giving tax cuts to the wealthy then that would have been a good start on the fund.

This is my first rant of 2011 and I am sure it will not be my last!

Ghenghis 2011