Tuesday, 15 February 2011

It's an odd life being a punter

Over the years I have had a few funny, strange, odd or even (hopefully) abnormal experiences and have regaled a few to mates and on boards but thought it worth putting down here for posterity and to raise a few wry smiles for my reader and his girlfriend.

Did the earth move for you?
Mid way through a particularly energetic session with a young lady in a brothel in South London the bed suddenly collapsed.  OK, that happens to a lot of folk so no big deal eh?  The problem was that the leg of the bed had not collapsed but instead penetrated a mouldy floorboard and having gone through that, propelled by our combined weight had then penetrated the ceiling below and brought a light fitting down in the Kebab shop underneath!!  Red faces all round and some explaining to do for the Maid as we were still starkers when the door went!

Sticky Condom Syndrome
Down in Berkshire with a lovely Indie, we had got through a couple of condoms without a result and finally filled a third.  Trouble was, in the dressing and clear up we could only locate two.  After a cuppa and a chat whilst relaxing afterwards I left, walked 300 yards to my car, drove home 45 miles and when home went to the loo etc.
A couple of hours later my wife walked in and shortly after that said to me "Any reason why there is a condom on our cloakroom carpet?".  A real OMG moment but thinking fast as well as being totally puzzled I went and looked and took it and flushed it.  I said that I must have trod on it outside the house and walked it in but neither of us could work out why a condom should be on the path outside the house.  I was amazed that it had stuck to my sole as I dressed and then endured the walk back to the car, drive home and walking in to my place.  I now check myself, including soles, before leaving t
a Lady's house.

You've been framed!

A Filipino Lady in Nottingham who is now out of the business, and I had been doing some experimental stuff and role playing etc so one day I booked in and went to the bar of the Lace Market Hotel as arranged at the appointed time where the plan was for her to be waiting in Business Woman Dress/Sexy Secretary including stockings and suspenders but no knickers.  She was then going to flash the blokes in the bar (Which she had never done before) and then apparently pick me up and we would go back to my room for sex.
I arrived and there she was with legs firmly clamped together and so I sat at the bar with a good eyeline and ordered a drink.  After 20 minutes without a flash she got up and joined me at the bar and apologised saying that she had bottled it completely!!  I laughed and said I did not mind and we decided to just have a couple of drinks and go up.  When we got into the lift she said she knew how to apologise and dropped to her knees and started giving me a blow job (Fortunately the lift was relatively slow and we were not accompanied!). After the usual fun and jollity in the bedroom we dressed and I walked her down to the reception and then out to her driver.  As we passed reception the staff there gave me knowing grins.  On the way back in they greeted me with smiles and asked "Mr Khan, we hope you are having a great evening !!"  I signified I was and went to the lift.  Puzzling a little and thinking they just knew her, I glanced up in the lift and saw the security camera........................ *blush* ..................... so I smiled up and waved!

Where's the Fire?

Another brothel in South London and the lady in question and I are totally stark bollock naked and making smiles when there is a knock on the door by the maid who informs us that the Fire Brigade Inspector was at the door and needed to inspect the room!!!!!  I asked if it could wait 45 mins but was told no and that they had to do it now.  So both of us hastily donned drressing gowns, mine was a particularly ravishing pink faux silk one and sat there while the Fireman, complete with boots and fireproof plastic overalls inspected the room and bathroom attached!!    For a few minutes I was sure it was a wind up but then looked out of the window and saw the bloody Fire Engine!  The stuff those guys see in a day's work!!

Where's Noah when you want him?

I was in a London Jury's Inn recently with a particularly scatty but lovely Thai Lady who has since gone back to Thailand due to an abusive boyfriend and we had been having a drink and making smiles for a couple of hours when the lady decided she needed a pee so went off and came back and we resumed.
What I had not realised is that she thought I was nearer to "arriving" than I was in fact and had started a bath running, and so eventually about 30 minutes later when we had both concluded my senses returned and I realised that there was a massive pool of water spreading from the closed bathroom door across the bedroom!  Leaping up I ran into the bathroom and found it totally flooded and a full bath overflowing merrily.
I pulled the plug and turned off the taps and dragged every towel onto the floor to start soaking it up. Still stark naked I was getting on with this with the slightly pissed Thai Lady laughing hysterically I heard an urgent banging on the door with a "Mr Khan, this is hotel management, can you let us in please now!!??".
With the catch on the door I answered, apologised profusely and told them we were both naked, true and that we had dozed off with a bath running (Near enough!) and could we have some more towels and we would quickly dress.  The two ladies agreed and went off to get towels and turning I noticed this young, naked, beautiful 25 year old Thai Lady looking over my shoulder so the hotel staff knew what was going on!!
We eventually dressed, apologised three hundred times more and allowed six hotel staff in to start the clean-up operation including an industrial water vacuum cleaner that sucked it all up.
Going out the whole hallway outside the room was under 1/2" of water and being cleared up and apparently the room below was flooded too!!
To give them their full due, the Jury's Inn people took it in their stride, moved me to a new dry room, moved my luggage, gave me fresh towels and did not laugh at me to my face, nor did they charge me any extra for the clean-up operation.  OK, I was a regular customer but nonetheless I would have paid up if asked if only out of embarrassment!  So top marks for Jury's Inns and one of my Top Shagging Venues!
Check out the following day was interesting and I got chatted up by the deputy Manager(ess) as well so I was extremely happy!

Just a few of the odd tails and I am sure that some people will think they are embroidered a bit but they happened exactly as shown, life can be weird sometimes.

Ghenghis 2011

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